Sick Muse
by choco-eater
Summary: "Vulcan, human or andorian. I don't fucking care. Say it one more time, and I'll punch you in the face" AU. fem!Kirk


**Hey, guys! This is my very first Star trek fanfic. Hope you all like it! Sorry for any grammar or spell mistakes, I'm not a native English speak.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek *cries***

**Post Tarsus IV**

* * *

She was nine years old. Sam was having an argument with Frank, she could hear them from her bedroom. It usually stopped a few minutes later but this one was much longer and louder than the other ones. Suddenly, James hear a loud SMACK! Followed soon by the sound of someone running upstairs and the sound of a door locking. With a sigh, she stood up from her chair-homework could wait- and headed her brother's room.

Frank always hit Sam, but it was always a warning –like a smack on the butt or pulling his ear. Sometimes, when he was drunk, he would hit Sam really hard and then he'll have to drive him to the hospital. Frank would try to hit her too, but Sam would always take all his blows and remind him that he doesn't hit girls. This time she could tell that the blow was meaning to hurt. She stood for a few seconds in front of his door. Damn, it sounded like he was breaking all his things! Drawers opening and closing, zippers going up and down. Frank crossed the line this time, Sam was beyond mad.

"Sam?" the noise stopped. "Please, let me in"

"Wait a minute" his voice was hoarse and deep. He only made that voice when he was upset. The noise continued.

She waited. One minute, two minutes….it was only after the noise was over when the door was finally opened. A hand grabbed her forearm and pulled her inside before locking the door again. She looked up, Sam was crying…why? Sam never cried, not even when he broke his leg or when their mom died and left them with Frank. He only had a ratter big -yellowish and purplish- spot on his face so no, he wasn't crying because of the pain. A quick look to his room made her understand. All the drawers were open but empty and a full backpack was lying on his bed. It was clear as water, Sam was leaving.

"No" she stated in refusal and shook her head "You can't" James could feel her eyes filling with tears. She hated to cry, but her brother- the only person alive who cared about her- was leaving her alone... and worse, with **Frank**. It was just too much to simply hold it in. "Sammy, please don't"

"Jim, no" he grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him "I have to leave, Jim. I can't stay here anymore, Frank kicked me out and -believe me- he mean it this time. I'm sure as hell that I won't beg him to let me stay" Sam pulled her in a hug "Please you have to understand. I have no future here, I-I don't belong here, I can't be a Kirk here"

"You are a Kirk anywhere"

He snorted "I'm not like you, Jimmy" his expression went serious again "I know he'll never hurt you, he doesn't hit girls. You'll have a place to stay, food and education. I can't offer that to you if I take you with me. Do you understand that?"

She nodded and bit her lower lip, two lonely tears escaping from her eyes "I'll miss you, Sam" she rubbed her face against her brother's shirt, cleaning her tears on the process.

"I'll miss you too, lil sis" he broke the hug and kneeled next to his bed, lifting a loose floorboard. Sam took a small envelope out of it and tossed it to her "Here, take it" Jim caught it "Dad made this for you before, well, he died"

James opened the envelope and took out a three inches silver locket with a double rope necklace, also made of silver. The front had the design of a spaceship –in relief- and had small cluster settings of sapphire and diamond on the background, like stars. Inside, a frame contained her name engraved and the other one held a family photograph. Her mother was in the middle, Sam and her dad next to her, all of them holding her large belly and smiling at the camera.

"He never told mom about the locket" he looked at her with nostalgia while picking up his backpack "I was planning to give it to you when you were older, but I think now is a good moment as any"

Don't lose it or…eh….sell it. I sold mine and it's the only thing I regret" he ruffled her hair "I'm leaving now. Take care, Jim"

With those words he left. She heard him go downstairs, closing the front door, turning on his handmade motorbike… He was gone. She didn't cry, she didn't screamed. James just held her new locket and stared at her brother's silhouette until she couldn't see him anymore. She was alone.

* * *

**Who are you?** _My name is Sarek_

* * *

Six months later she found herself opening the door to a very drunk Frank. He was shirtless and holding a bottle of rum on his right hand. Typical.

It was better to stay away from him. Now that Sam was gone, she had to be more cautious. Frank forced her to be perfect. Perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect everything. He loved to presume about raising such a talented child….bullshit. She was a mess, no friends, getting in fight almost every day…she was the little genius freak. That's why she applied to the full scholarship on Tarsus IV. It was no surprise to her when the acceptance letter came, now Frank had one more reason to presume.

Anyways, James was leaving in two days so it didn't matter. She turned around to return to her room. It was three fucking o'clock in the morning, no one should be waken at such an ungodly hour.

"You" Frank called her with disgust. It seemed like the world was hatting her today. _'Remember, Jim. Two more days and you are free. Don't make him angry. Don't-'_

"This is all your fucking fault" the words hit her like a punch in the guts. Fuck, today was her mother's death anniversary "If you were not the fucking copy of your god damned father she would have never left home" **True** "SHE WOULD HAVE NEVER DIED. Don't you get it? She could never NEVER stand you" **True** "THAT'S WHY SHE ALWAYS TOOK LONG MISSIONS" **True** "She couldn't even look at you in the eyes" She took it all in silence, everything was true "YOU ARE A FREAK" she backed one step "YOU ARE DISGUSTING" one more step "YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE LITTLE BASTARD OF YOUR DAD. HE KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WAS DISGUSTED OF HAVING A DAUGHTER LIKE YOU" Ok, there was a line and he just crossed it.

"Shut up!" She grabbed her locked. Was it getting hotter? "My dad loved me, he gave his life for me! He's a fucking HERO and what are you? Just a lame drunkard that enjoys being praised for some shit a little girl does. LAME"

SMACK! She was on the floor grabbing her swollen cheek. She looked up at Frank, he actually seemed surprised for having lost control like that. She just stared at him, biting her tongue and holding her tears. Now she could understand how much Sam hated to be smacked. Frank massaged his temple with one hand.

"Go to your room. I'm returning to the bar"

* * *

**What are you doing?** _At the present time_ _I am looking through your memories_** How are you doing this? Are you an alien?** _I am a Vulcan_ **Oh… Am I going crazy?** _No _**No? Am I dreaming then?**_ That is an acceptable deduction_

* * *

The next morning she found Frank passed out on the living room, hugging his beloved bottle of rum. He stared at him for some seconds, anger bubbling inside her. Her vision became red. Frank was going to pay. He was going to pay for everything he had done to Sam and her. She was going to break the only thing she loved.

James looked at him with disgust and spat on him. "Fuck you, bastard"

She grabbed Frank's car keys and got out of the house. There he was, Frankie junior. The car was a bright red colour, a rare antique almost impossible to find these days. A beautiful car indeed… it would be a shame if something happened to it. Without thinking it twice, she got in the car and turned it on.

Five minutes later she was going through the freeway at full speed. The wind was blowing against her face and her long, blond hair was flowing in every direction. She felt great, she felt free, and she felt real… but her little bubble of happiness broke when she heard a police siren not far behind.

"Citizen, identify yourself" the droid-cop said with his spooky robotic voice "Citizen, pull over"

James started to freak out. There was no way in hell she'll pull over so she did the only think she could think of. Jim violently turned to the right – the car almost falling to the side for a moment- and kept going through a small road. Then, something '_clanged_'. Fuck, was that a metal screen? She turned her head just in time to see the droid-cop dodging the fallen screen behind her. Something in her gut told her to return her attention to the front. Holy shit. There was a cliff not more than 300 meters apart. She should jump out the car.

_No one would miss you._

200 meters.

_Frank was right. You should have never existed. _

100 meters.

_You are a freak, no one loves you and no one ever will. Die_

50 meters.

She was about to do it, to give up but…_Oh, no. James Tiberius Kirk is much better than that. HELL YEAH!_

She turned the wheel with all her strenght. The car span around and she managed to jump out of it before it went down the cliff. James almost fell down too, she was holding to the border of the cliff with her hands but she managed to lift herself up and rolled away from the border. James laid down for a few seconds, panting hard. Then, she stood up and cleaned the dust form her shorts as the droid cop approached to her.

"Is there a problem, officer?"

"Citizen, identify yourself"

"My name is James Tiberius Kirk" she said with a smug grin "What's yours?"

* * *

**That was exciting**. _That action was extremely dangerous and illogical _**Are we going to watch my whole life?** _No, it is not necessary due to the fact that we are only in need of your most impacting memories _**Oh**

* * *

She was on Tarsus IV. She was happy, happier than ever. After throwing the car over the cliff she had to wait on a cell until Frank was sober enough to pick her up from the police station. He appeared with all her possessions, called a taxi and sent her to the spaceport. No hellos, no good byes, no scolding…actually, it was kind of creepy. James had to wait at the spaceport an entire day, but it was worth it. There she was the golden girl, everybody loved her and even Kodos–the governor- had taken interest on her, but the most important thing was that she had made real friends.

James was laying on the shore of a small natural spring next to her best friends, Riley and Bones. Riley was a boy from her school and had her same age. He was a Tarsus IV native, but Bones – Leonard- was part of a scholarship just like James. He 6 years older than James and Riley and treated them like their little siblings. Bones spend most of his time with them, his excuse being that they were too young to wander alone, but always James thought that it was because he enjoyed being bossy and "looking smart and responsible" around them. James let out some giggles and both boys gave her their famous have-you-finally-gone-crazy look. Riley opened his mouth to make some idiotic remark about her sanity when an enormous explosion occurred not far from them.

"Fuck!" Bones exclaimed and in less than a second both -Riley and James- found themselves being covered under his much bigger body. She heard some trees around them falling and thousands of birds chirping like crazy and flying away "Fuck, fuck, fuck…" Bones chanted to himself like a mantra.

There were more explosions. One, two, three… They could hear people screaming and crying. Then, everything went very quiet. Bones finally stood up, followed quickly by Riley and James. They could see smoke coming from their town and the borders of the forest. . Riley started running toward his house.

"Shit!" Leonard cursed for the twentieth time during the last minute. James did the only thing she could think of. She tackled Riley.

"Let me go!"

"No"

He was crying. Riley kicked and fought with all his might. Jim was strong, but Riley was much taller and heavier. She was about to let him go when Bones reached them and took her place. There was no way Riley could win against Bones. He screamed.

"Shhh. Riley shut the fuck up!" he warned the boy before putting his hand against his mouth, muffling all his screams. The sound of a helicopter was approaching, then came the bullets sounds and a few people screamed not far away "We are doomed, fucking screwed"

"Bones! There's a cave!" she whispered fiercely as she dived into the spring "Follow me!"

Riley stopped fighting and let Bones to drag him over the edge of the lake. He nodded at the older boy, assuring him he wasn't going to do any stupid and both of them dived into the water. It was a really deep spring, deeper than they thought. As the water was almost transparent, they could see Jim swimming a few meter ahead of them, she stopped at the other edge of the spring –there was a small cave a few meters underwater- and made them a signal for them to follow her. Less than thirty seconds later, the three were panting and resting on a small sand shore inside the cave.

"What-the fuck- are they- thinking?" Bones asked between pants.

"I don't know" Jim answered as she helped Riley to get on his feet "I knew the famine was going to be bad, but this….this is wrong"

They stood in silence for some minutes. The screaming and gunshots had already stopped, she could tell they were all dead. James side glanced at Riley –who was crying in silence-, he was the only one that had been born and raised on Tarsus IV and now, his parents, his friends, everything he had ever known and loved was destroyed. Bones and she were part of a scholarship but after being a year on Tarsus IV, it also felt like losing their home.

"Hey, Jimmy!" Bones called her from deep in the cave "What are in those boxes?"

Boxes? She had never brought any boxes. No one knew about the cave.

"What?" she kneeled next to Bones and opened on box. Food. There was food, canned food, **food. **Lots of it. Three boxes full of food "I-I have never….what?"

She opened another box, there were clothes. Her clothes, Riley's clothes, Bones's clothes, clothes they thought they had lost less than two days ago. Why? What? Bones opened another box. Blankets. Another box, a computer, Sam's envelope and her gold collar – the one her father made for her before she was born. What?

"YOU KNEW!" Riley shouted at her. Tears falling down his round cheeks. He grabbed her by her shoulders and started shaking her. Bones was also touching her, trying to make Riley to leave her "YOU KNEW! And now everyone is death and, and y-you knew it was going to happen"

"I-I…" her head hurt. God, it **hurt**. Then she remembered everything_. Being with Kodos, working for a new program. Overhearing a conversation, finding out about the attack. Running back to the school and packing everything, going to the cave. Guards finding her and injecting something. Darkness. Waking up the next morning as if nothing had happened._ It stopped hurting "I knew. I knew"

She looked up, expecting Bones or Riley to blame her for everything but instead she found them sharing a very confused look.

"Bones, did you…?" Riley asked, all his anger gone "I think I just…"

"I saw it too" Bones looked at her for some seconds before asking, "Jim, are you a telepath?"

"No" she answered and shook her head, her wet blonde hair splashing water everywhere "Is there something wrong?"

Bones and Riley shared another look, this time Bones shook his head and smiled.

"No there's nothing wrong, Jimmy-girl" he ruffled her hair and returned to the boxes "we should start unpacking"

"Yeah, uhm…. Jim" Riley called her, tears still falling from his eyes. His expression was sad, but his eyes weren´t accusing or angry "I'm sorry for all the thing I said"

"Don't worry" she said with a small smile. Something had happened, she wasn´t stupid. Riley wouldn´t change his mind so fast… "I would have suspected too" she slapped Riley's back "Ok, boys! What are we going to do now?"

* * *

_Fascinating _**What is fascinating?** _You possess very weak telepathic powers_ **Is that bad?** _No, but humans are known for not possessing telepathic powers_ **Then I'm a freak**. _That is not the most accurate word, I would describe it as "unique"_ **Can we stop now? I don't like the next part**

* * *

Four months later the food was over and Riley was sick, really sick. They hadn´t eaten in more than four days and if they didn´t do something quick Riley would die. He had fallen in some sort of coma- Bones deduced- and hadn´t woken up in a week.

James and Bones were sitting side to side, watching carefully Riley's unconscious body.

"Bones, we have to go up" she pleaded, her head resting against Leonard´s bony shoulder "We have to get food and medicine. We have to!" Bones somehow managed to pull her into his lap and involved her in a hug. She grabbed the front of his T-Shirt and snuggled against his chest "I-don´t want him to die. I don´t want us to die!"

Leonard tried to comfort the girl and to tell her that everything was going to be ok, but she was right. It was going up or dying.

"Ok" he said, his voice hoarse and brittle "Go and pack everything we have left. I'm going to prepare Riley for the trip"

"No" she shook her head "I'm going up alone. You'll stay here with Riley"

Bones stayed speechless for a few seconds, then he exploded.

"Are you fucking crazy?!" he exclaimed "There's no way in hell I'm going to let you go **alone**!"

"Then you prefer to take Riley and get him most likely killed?" she cried out. Bones stayed silence "We can't take Riley and someone has to stay here with him. Or do you want to leave him alone?"

"I would never do that"

"Then we have no choice. I'll go. You know I'm way faster than you and if I get caught," she gulped "…if I get caught Kodos won't let them kill me, I´m too precious for him" Bones gave her a worried look "I promise I won't get caught"

"Please be safe, Jimmy-girl" James gulped again. Bones had to be very worried, he never called her like that "If you don't come back in a day, I swear to god I'll go up to look for you" He hugged her one more time.

"Thanks, Bones"

James ended the hug and stood up. She walked to the small shore and gave Bones one more look, he waved at her. James dived into the water with a smile, her last smile of the next few weeks.

* * *

_**Blood. Tears.**__ Riley dead. Running alone with Bones. __**Hunger. Fear. Anger**__. Getting caught. Killing a man. __**Regret. Disgust.**__ Kodos locking her on his room. __**Darkness. Sorrow. Loneliness. Shame.**__ Bones rescuing her__**. Hope. Friendship. Love. **__Stealing a small ship. __**Excitement.**__ The ship was only for one person. __**Pain. Despair. Panic.**__ Bones knocking her out. __**Complete darkness.**_

* * *

James Tiberius Kirk woke up screaming.

* * *

**Like? Don't like it? Tell me! not flames please! I accept suggestions ans recommendations.**

**Ps: I need a beta-reader**


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